In March 2011 my whole world fell apart. My fiancé ended our 4 year relationship 4 months before we were due to get married. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship was nowhere near perfect, we faced many challenges and at times I had also thought about throwing in the towel, but nothing really prepares you when the person you love and adore gives up on you.
It felt like the worst kind of betrayal, not because of the way he detached himself so quickly from me – it just simply got ‘too hard’ and wasn’t worth fighting for anymore, in other words – I wasn’t worth it. Perhaps we could have married and divorced years later, who knows? But at no point did I choose to give up and throw everything away – but that choice was taken away from me.
I’ve spent most of my sessions in therapy crying my eyes out to my therapist, mourning someone who epitomised a life that I so desperately wanted, and in the end wanted nothing to do with me.You see I’ve been holding onto him and the pain, anger and frustration I have felt at myself for not being able to just ‘let go’ and get on with it. My therapist suggested that perhaps instead of waiting for him to forgive me, I in fact needed to forgive myself in order to make room for new things. I knew intellectually that holding onto pain, loss and sadness wasn’t serving me at all, but I guess I was never really ready to just let go….until now.
I marked the occasion with a full moon ritual, something I’d never done before, something that resonated with me on a personal level. I buried my engagement ring in the park close to where we used to live together and along with it buried the pain and loss that I struggled so much to let go of. And the most amazing thing happened. The next day I felt lighter, freer and with a renewed sense of hope for the future and the healing of my heart.
Who knows how long it will take to be fully healed. Perhaps its something that stays with you forever – the loss of a loved one and the hopes and dreams of a ‘happily ever after’ – but what I do know is that everything happens for a reason, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and that these life lessons are here to teach us something, so for that I’m very grateful.